Should your children be involved in your divorce? NO!

Your Children – Should They Be Involved in Your Divorce?

February 16th, 2012

The most important thing to understand as a parent going through a divorce is not to involve your children. No matter what the ages of your children, they should be left out of the divorce process to whatever extent possible.

Children will be more or less aware of what is transpiring depending on their age. A 12 year old might ask questions that a 3 year old would not think about. Do answer their questions briefly and in an age appropriate manner, but most importantly, assure them that both of their parents love them. Parents must recognize that the divorce is between them, and that their children are innocent bystanders, not active participants.

Unfortunately, what frequently happens is that both parents become so embroiled in the emotion of the divorce process that they temporarily lose the ability to focus on what is best for their children. At times, parents will speak of adult matters either directly to or in the presence of their children. Sometimes parents will use their children as pawns to try to “get back” at the other parent, without realizing the harm that they are causing the child.

Frequently a parent will badmouth the other parent either directly to the children or in their presence. For example:

“Your mother is taking all my money. I will be stuck living in my car.”

“Your father is not giving me enough money. Ask HIM to buy you sneakers. I can’t afford them.”

Regardless of how accurate these statements are or may seem to be, they should not be expressed to the children. Likewise, if you have learned that your spouse has a “significant other”, this subject should not be discussed with the children.

In extreme circumstances, parental alienation can occur. This happens when one parent engages in a course of conduct that turns a child against the other parent. The child then aligns him or herself with one parent against the other. The child may refuse contact with the other parent, shutting him or her out of the their life to the point that the relationship deteriorates substantially. Allegations of parent alienation are difficult to prove as it is not easy to determine whether the child’s conduct is a direct result of parental alienation, or simply a result of the stressors that the child is experiencing during the divorce process.

It is also important to shield the children from court proceedings. There is no reason that they should know what happened during your court appearance. Some parents are of the belief that their children “deserve to know the truth” about the other parent. It is important to remember that each parent has his or her own truth, and the child should not be asked to decide which truth to believe.

Children have the right to love both their parents. No matter what is going on in the divorce process the children almost always need both parents in their lives. (An exception may exist if the children have been subject to abuse.) No parent should ever lead a child to believe that he or she must choose one parent over another, nor should a child be made to feel guilty about having a positive relationship with either parent.

Remember, when going through the divorce process, try to put aside the difficult and emotional nature of the process enough so that you can put the needs of your children first:

– Do not bad mouth your spouse directly to the children or in their presence.
– Do not talk to your children about financial problems as a result of the divorce.
– Do not make your children feel guilty about enjoying a relationship with the other parent.
– Love your children and let them love both of you.

By Debra L. Rubin, Esq.

Source:

http://www.rubinandrosenblum.com/blog/?p=49

May 4, 2012

Careful what you text!

Americans have learned to carefully craft their Facebook postings, and edit and spell-check e-mails. But apparently we don’t give text messages much thought, and they’re providing abundant and effective fodder for divorce attorneys.

“A lot of people will draft a text at the spur of the moment, feeling hot and bothered about something, and off goes the text message” says Ken Altshuler, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “But it’s the same kind of written documentation that lawyers just love to go to town on.”

In a recent survey, more than 80 percent of the academy’s members reported an increased use of text messages in court. And Altshuler says once your words are in print, they’re hard to disown.

“I have one husband, frankly, who said in a text message, ‘I’m so angry at you right now I could kill you,'” Altshuler says. “He got charged with criminal threatening.”

Tips For Keeping Your Texts Out Of Court
Attorney Ken Altshuler has this advice for anyone going through a divorce.

Don’t write (text, Facebook, email, etc.) anything you wouldn’t want a judge to see.
If you’re receiving inappropriate messages from your spouse, don’t respond inappropriately, because a judge will see that.
Don’t send messages that clearly set your spouse up for an inappropriate or angry response.
If you’re worked up and want to send your spouse a message, take time to calm down before putting anything in writing.
Just as with anything we say, these little missives can be taken out of context. But they can also reveal a stark truth. Altshuler says they have become key to cross-examination as a powerful way to undermine someone’s credibility. Consider one husband’s text to a secret lover that came out in one of Altshuler’s cases: “We had a great time in Boston, I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Of course, you know, the person in that case said he was on a business trip in Denver,” Altshuler says.

In one custody battle, Altshuler says a text message single-handedly won the case. The mother claimed the father’s drinking problem compromised his parenting. But the father was an excellent witness. He said he hadn’t had a drink in a year, and even his substance abuse counselor vouched for him. It was a classic case of “he said, she said,” until Altshuler’s client displayed a recent text from her husband asking her to pick up beer on the way home.

“He sat there and stared at the text message for about 2.5 minutes,” says Altshuler. “He had no answer. Case is over.”

A Treasure Trove Of Information

Stephen Ward is a private investigator with Pinkerton Consulting and Investigations. He says as technology improves, so does the potential for texts as evidence.

Teen Texting Soars; Will Social Skills Suffer?

“Some people have text messages that go back years. It depends on the size of the phone,” Ward says. “If you actually look at cell phones now, the size of the phone’s memory is what most standard desktops were about two to three years ago.”

It’s a treasure trove of information, he says. But getting texts into court as evidence can be tricky, especially if it’s a spouse’s texts you’re after. If you’ve stolen a password to access them, they can be ruled inadmissible. And if they’re on a company phone?

“You could be looking at things that are trade secrets, that you’re not entitled to see,” Ward says. “It’s actually corporate property, it’s not yours, and you’ve done something completely illegal.”

Ward says it’s always best to let a lawyer subpoena a spouse’s texts.

But even using messages from your own phone isn’t always a sure thing. Lee Knott tried to submit texts from her ex-husband during a custody battle. She used an app to send them to her email account.

“And so each text message, even if it was only four words long, ended up taking a page,” she says. “So that’s hundreds of pages.”

Knott says she got the sense the judge, in a rural part of Washington state, was overwhelmed and wary.

“The judge said that he didn’t understand the technology, and that he could not be certain that it wasn’t able to be tampered with,” she says.

In fact, some states only accept electronic evidence if it’s been gathered by a professional.

Lawyers love getting their hands on these smoking gun texts. But for their own clients, they have one overriding piece of advice: Don’t write anything you don’t want a judge to read.

Source:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2012/02/24/147289250/temper-your-texts-divorce-court-makes-use-of-messages?goback=%2Egde_3818704_member_112644922

May 1, 2012

Things You Should Never Say To Your Divorce Lawyer

Posted: 03/12/2012 3:10 am

I have specialized in family law for over 40 years. I have seen almost every possible scenario, and I would like to share some things clients have said to me that often are better left unsaid. Here are some things you should never say to your divorce lawyer. In no particular order, they are as follows:

1. I don’t care what it costs, I would rather give you everything than give anything to my wife/husband. The reality is that no matter what you pay, you are going to give something to your spouse. Things said in anger or in the heat of passion will be taken back later. This is especially true when a client receives my final bill. You may want revenge, but that rarely happens in a divorce. It is better to spend your hard-earned money on your family, for your children’s college education, or a vacation. Divorces are expensive enough, both economically and emotionally, without adding revenge to the equation.

2. I would like to bring my “friend” with me to the interview. We have attorney/client privilege, and once you bring a third party in, whether it’s a relative, a lover or whoever, the attorney/client privilege is gone. Unless a third party is officially associated with your case, there is no attorney/client privilege. If a friend or lover is in a meeting, and the case gets nasty, in the event a deposition or trial ever occurs, there is no privilege and all these secrets can spill out in a deposition or in court.

3. My friend or neighbor has told me to do this … There is nothing worse than having all your friends and relatives — who mean well — give you advice. Every divorce is different. Every divorce is unique. What makes sense for your friend and relative may make no sense for you. In addition, people often tell you only part of the story. You often get a lot of misinformation from well-meaning friends and relatives. Think about this: There are at least five variables in every divorce. The first is you — your personality, your reasons for wanting to save or end the marriage. The second variable is your spouse — his/her personality and motivations. The third is your attorney — the attorney’s personality, motivations and experience. Fourth is your spouse’s attorney. And last but not least, the fifth variable is the judge. Change any of these people and variables, and you may get a different result. For these reasons, sideline quarter backing is often very detrimental to your divorce.

4. I’m in a hurry to get this over with. Saying this immediately puts you at a disadvantage. Compromise is critical in any divorce. It is also necessary to come to a resolution. If you let your spouse know how desperate you are, and the other attorney knows that as well, then the divorce is going to cost you a lot more and you will regret it in the future. I was in court this past week on a case where my client had been in a hurry to end the marriage because of a new relationship. I have seen these scenarios time and again. In this case, the relationship is lasting, but my client has a lot of regrets and remorse over the fact that she sold herself out for far less than she might have been entitled to if she had not been so desperate to end the marriage. Don’t rush. A divorce is one of the most critical events in your life, and while it is important get it over with, hurrying can be very costly. You do not want to have regrets once the divorce is final.

5. I’ve been promised that I will see the children more and pay less. I just have to sign the papers. Be careful. There is often a hidden motive behind a promise, and if someone told you this — especially if this is a hotly litigated case — there is often a hidden agenda. Remember, there is no Easter Bunny, and someone who is pushing you to sign the papers too quickly has something up his or her sleeve. This is where it is important to make sure that your attorney fully understands all the aspects of the case and is there to protect you and advocate for you where necessary.

6. Showing your biases and prejudices. I’ve had clients who will come to me and start using racial, religious or ethnic slurs. I think it’s wrong. I think it also shows something about the person that is highly unattractive.

7. Never say never. Never say that you will not pay any spousal support. Never say that your spouse can have everything. Never say that your spouse is going to get nothing. Never say that you are going to leave your children. Every case has an upside and downside, but saying “never” is the worst thing that you can do. There are exceptions to every rule, especially in a divorce situation. Keep an open mind. Remember that your attorney is there to counsel and advise you and help you go forward as you try to rebuild your life.

What are some other thoughts that you have as to things you should never say to your attorney? Share them with us.

By: HENRY S. GORNBEIN
Family Law Attorney & Legal Correspondent
DivorceSourceRadio
40900 Woodward Avenue, Ste. 111
Bloomfield Hills, MI 48304-5116
248/594-3444; Fax 248/594-3222
DivorceSourceRadio.com
[email protected]
[email protected]