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How cuddle therapy can help when going through a divorce

In this instalment of Stowe guests, we are joined by Rebekka Mikkola, Lead Cuddle Therapist and Founder of Nordic Cuddle. London-based Nordic Cuddle are one of the fastest growing cuddle therapy companies in the country and provide sessions to clients dealing with stress, divorce, anxiety and loneliness.

Dealing with a separation

There can be few events in our lives as emotionally taxing as the breakdown of a relationship. The bonds that were formed and lives that became intertwined have to begin a process of separation, which can take a heavy toll on our wellbeing.

The feelings of loss are compounded by the fact that separation is about more than just losing a partner. A change of home may be in order, social circles may shrink and financial security may become more precarious. On top of that, families with children have the added pressure of arranging how and when parents will spend time with them.

In addition, many people often describe a feeling of failure which accompanies a relationship breakdown. As such, our self-esteem can take a big hit and this can also affect our whole persona, not to mention our outlook on life.

How cuddle therapy can help

At Nordic Cuddle, we provide cuddle therapy sessions, which involve platonic hugs, cuddling, hand-holding and gentle arm rubs, combined with talking therapy. We’ve found that cuddle therapy has been particularly helpful for people going through a divorce, because it provides a sense of comfort and connection at a time when both of these things have been torn from our lives.

Cuddle sessions with a trained and understanding practitioner can be nurturing and help heal negative perceptions of our self-worth. This is because human touch can flood our bodies with feel-good hormones, such as serotonin and oxytocin.

The release of these chemicals can also help tackle stress, another major impact of separation. During this difficult time, our body will release increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol by activating the sympathetic nervous system (also called the ‘fight or flight’ response). As such, oxytocin levels will drop and we’ll feel more stressed and have a low mood in general.

These effects can be reversed through hugs and cuddles, which trigger the release of feel-good hormones, which help mitigate stress. Affectionate touch activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which is the body’s natural relaxed mode. Keeping stress under control is vital, because it can lead to a range of mental health and physical wellbeing issues, if left unchecked over a prolonged period of time.

When London-based Balance Magazine tried one of our cuddle therapy sessions last year, they said, “If you’re feeling imbalanced, it’s a place to go to return to calm and serenity.” We think this is a great description and believe cuddle therapy provides a holistic approach towards re-building self-confidence and tackling issues like stress, which arise during a separation.

The combination of comforting touch coupled with the opportunity to speak about personal issues can be especially powerful and can create a connection very quickly. When you try a cuddle therapy session, you’ll be in the caring hands of a trained professional and will feel a sense of calm amid the chaos, during one of life’s greatest challenges.

Get in touch

To contact Nordic Cuddle and find out more about their services, you can visit their website here.

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Author: Stowe Family Law

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Father obsessed with his rights fails to achieve sole parental responsibility

As any experienced family lawyer will be able to attest, it is a common occurrence that a parent involved in a dispute regarding arrangements for their child will, consciously or not, put what they consider to be their ‘rights’ ahead of the welfare of the child. However, whether they consider that their rights are more important, or whether they simply believe that their rights coincide with what is best for the child, this attitude can be both wrong and very unhelpful, possibly causing serious damage to their case.

An example of this phenomenon is the case C (A young person). The judgment in the case was handed down last July, but was only published (to my knowledge) last week.

The facts in the case were extremely sad, though thankfully unusual. The case concerned a 16 year old girl who had lived exclusively with her mother until her mother unexpectedly died from cancer in January 2016. She had not had any contact at all with her father until she was ten or eleven years of age. After her mother’s death she went to live with her maternal aunt and her family, and the aunt applied for a child arrangements order to be made in her favour. The father became involved in the proceedings and in October 2017 a shared care order was made in favour of the father and the aunt. Both the father and the aunt were given parental responsibility.

In March 2018 the father applied for a child arrangements order to be made in his favour on the basis that the child was by then living with him, his objective being that he would be the only person who had parental responsibility for the child. Both the child and the aunt opposed the application, which fell to be determined by Mr Justice Keehan in the High Court.

In the course of the evidence it became clear that the child was very attached to her aunt, and that she wanted to continue to have a close relationship with her. On the other hand, the child felt very insecure in her relationship with her father, and feared that he would not support her relationship with the aunt or her maternal family after the case was concluded. It was also clear that the father had much work to do to establish a close relationship with the child.

Mr Justice Keehan found that the aunt was “an emotional and psychological parent” to the child. The father, however, did not accept this. It was also found that the father was not meeting the child’s emotional and psychological needs, in particular he would not promote, or see in a positive light, the child’s need for a close relationship with the aunt and with her maternal family. In short, he found that:

“The father is, in my view, obsessed with his rights as a parent and does not focus on his duties and responsibilities to nurture or to be sensitive to the needs of his grieving daughter.”

The father claimed that the child had made it impossible for him to exercise his parental responsibility by her support of the aunt, and found it “perplexing and bizarre” that the child wanted the aunt to have parental responsibility. These things, said Mr Justice Keehan, graphically illustrated his “assessment of the father as a man obsessed with his rights as a parent and not with the extremely important emotional and psychological needs of his daughter.”

In the circumstances Mr Justice Keehan made a child arrangements order that the child live with her father, which reflected what was happening on the ground, and made a child arrangements order that she spend time with her aunt, on no less than three occasions a week. He also granted parental responsibility to the aunt (I’m not quite sure why he did this, as my understanding is that the aunt already had parental responsibility). He concluded:

“I am satisfied that these combinations of orders will meet the welfare best interests of [the child]. They will enable her to live with her father and, as she wants, to build her relationship with him, but it will provide her with the very important emotional and psychological comfort that she requires from her relationship with the aunt and, through her, with the wider maternal family who are all so very, very important to [the child] and to her future welfare.”

The case is another demonstration that the ‘rights’ (if we can use that word at all) of the parent are not what is important in a dispute over arrangements for a child. What is important, indeed paramount, is the welfare of the child. The court will therefore always be guided by what is best for the welfare of the child, not by the rights of the parent (or, indeed, of any other person). Any parent involved in such a dispute must therefore put aside any thoughts of their ‘rights’, and focus on the welfare of the child.

You can read the full judgment here.

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Author: John Bolch

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The Dalahäst

Image of a Swedish wooden Dalahäst horse

Symbol of Sweden

I confess that I am something of a fan of the Swedish home furnishings store IKEA, having spent countless hours wandering its shiny showrooms in three different countries (Canada, the United States, and France). As evidence of this, you need only stand in the middle of my house and look around; you can’t help but see an IKEA product anywhere you look.

Although some may decry its mass marketing approach, I like that there is a consistency to the IKEA shopping experience. Whether I visit a store in central France or the suburbs of Vancouver, I know that I will see the same kinds of products, laid out in the same way, according to the same floor plan. This sameness might bother me in other settings, but there is a quirky charm to the world of IKEA that counterbalances the monotony. From its amusing product names to the ubiquity of kitschy Swedish foodstuffs, I always feel like I’ve found a tiny corner of Sweden wherever I happen to be in the world.

Whether this experience is authentically Swedish or not, Swedish design is everywhere to be seen, and in ways that are not always obvious. For years I had noticed that horses, and red horses in particular, were a common decorative motif in IKEA products, whether appearing two-dimensionally on pillows or rugs, or as carved decorative figures gracing elegant bookshelves. I later learned there was great significance to these tiny horses, and about the centuries of history they represent. I thought IKEA was a popular symbol of Sweden, but the Dalahäst (also known as a Dala horse or Dalecarlian horse) is a much more ancient and enduring one. Created in the Swedish province of Dalarna (Dalecarlia in English), the painted wooden horse has become a potent icon of Swedish culture.

Horse Mythology

Horses are an integral part of the history of Sweden, having deep cultural and religious significance. It is believed that horses were first introduced to Sweden around 2000 BCE, when Russian nomads invaded the area, overpowering the local inhabitants with their superior military capabilities—including their horsemanship. Horses soon became a valuable asset in farming and forestry for the region.

The religious symbolism of the horse is long-standing in Sweden; not only was the horse the sacred animal of the As religion of the Vikings, but it was celebrated in Norse mythology as well. Horses were associated with the gods, most notably with Odin, who was said to have an eight-legged horse named Sleipner, given to him by the trickster figure Loki.

When Christianity was introduced to Sweden in the 11th century, church leaders worked to discourage horse worship among the people, teaching that the horse was unclean, as were the practices associated with it: ritual slaughter and the eating of horsemeat. Although the church’s efforts were mostly successful, the people of northern Dalarna, particularly those living around Lake Siljan, retained their ancient connection to the horse, refusing to demonize an animal so essential to their daily lives.

The ongoing struggle between the church and local custom can be seen in two separate incidents from the 17th century. In 1624, Bishop Johannes Rudbeckius of Västerås, the diocese city of Dalarna, gave a sermon denouncing the selling of certain “articles of destruction” in the market, a list that included wooden horses. Forty years later, during a witchcraft trial in Dalarna, the parish priest accused those on trial of using a “baror,” a magic wooden object in the shape of an animal (possibly a horse), to advance the work of the devil. At the same trial, the county constable claimed that the devil himself gave wooden horses to the local children to lead them astray.

Horse Trading

Despite these negative reactions to wooden horses, they seemed only to grow in popularity in the following years. In the 18th century, men working in the forests of Dalarna would carve wooden horses as a leisure activity and give them to children back in the village. By the 19th century, painted wooden horses were a common item of trade, often used by traveling salesmen as payment for room and board on their journeys. Created primarily in the villages around the town of Mora, these horses were painted with a floral design, reflecting the general decorative style of the time. This pattern of decoration eventually developed into the kurbits (or ripple) style of painting, which continues to this day.

In 1939, a large Dala horse was displayed outside the Swedish pavilion at the World Exposition in New York, sparking international awareness and interest in this traditional Swedish craft. Demand for Dala horses has continued, and it has become a popular souvenir for tourists coming to Sweden, and an enduring cultural icon. Much of the demand for Dala horses is fulfilled by two companies in the town of Nusnäs: Nils Olsson and Grannas A. Olsson. Crafted from premium pine timber found in the forests surrounding Lake Siljan, the horses undergo a multi-step process, from felling the tree through hand carving, various stages of hand-painting, sanding, and varnishing. The finished product is stunning, a beautiful tribute to the long and intimate relationship between horses and humans in Sweden.

Note: This is an updated version of an article that originally appeared on Interesting Thing of the Day on September 25, 2006.

Image credit: Creative Tools from Halmstad, Sweden [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons


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Author: Morgen Jahnke

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National Tortellini Day

A bowl of tortellini

I’ve eaten tortellini countless times. It’s certainly among my top two or three favorite filled Italian pastas. Until today, however, I was unaware that the ringlike shape was intended to represent the navel of the goddess Venus. Or so legend has it, anyway. I’m not sure whether that knowledge will enhance or diminish my future enjoyment of tortellini, but I am certain that I’ll never be able to get that image out of my head. Anyway! If you were undecided about which filled Italian pasta to eat today, contemplate your belly button and see what answer…pops out?

Image credit: Algont at Dutch Wikipedia [CC BY-SA 3.0]


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Author: Joe Kissell

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Decluttering And Packing Up His Stuff

I mentioned a few months ago that Mike and I were in the process of getting divorced.

It’s really been a huge upheaval in my life for more reasons than one, to put it lightly.

Mike moved out a few months ago, but didn’t take more than the bare minimum with him, since his living conditions were still temporary.

While my current home is nearly twice the size of my last one, it is still quite


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Author: Penniless Parenting

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Stowe guests: Top tips on how to tell the children you are separating by Turner & Johnson Mediation

In this instalment of Stowe guests, we are joined by Sheila Turner from Turner & Johnson Mediation.

Based in central London, Sheila Turner and Philippa Johnson offer families a professional and sensitive mediation service, working alongside other professionals including legal advisers, as appropriate, to help couples to identify alternatives to going to court.

Today we are joined by Sheila as she gives some valuable advice on how to tell the children you are separating and what to say afterwards.

There is no question this is a really difficult conversation to have; you are probably dreading it. Nothing will make it ‘easy’ but here are some guidelines that should help to make it a less traumatic experience for all of you.

Most importantly tell your child together

If you have more than one child tell all the children together as an entire family – even if you want to be a million miles away from your co-parent you need to show your child that you can still present a united front. Every time you want to convey a piece of information always start the sentence, “Dad/Mum and I have discussed ************** and we both think that we should try ******”. It helps children to deal with their changing circumstances when they feel that both parents have made the decision to separate.

Discuss with your ex-partner a clear and simple narrative explaining why your relationship has broken down and stick to the agreed narrative. Too many details will only muddy the waters and can often be information overload. However, the older the child the more questions you will be asked. Try to be as honest as possible without criticising your co-parent as the child will take this criticism personally and hear it as criticism about them.

Explain that you are still both your child’s parents and that just because you will be living in two separate homes that doesn’t mean that you are not still a family. Your child’s sense of family is really important.

Keep information short and concise.

Your child will not want to hear the emotional bits around the edge. He or she will only be interested in what is happening to them. Much better to answer questions as they come up rather than bombard your child with too much information. You should expect to have many more conversations with your child over the coming months – stick to the agreed narrative whether you are together or on your own with your child.

Make sure that you say very clearly that this is a grown-up problem and not in any way the children’s responsibility. You may well feel that an honest narrative involves blame – but blame won’t help your child, who needs to love and respect both of you and if blame is flying around your child is most likely to blame him or herself.

It is OK to say that you don’t know the answer to a particular question but you will need to reassure your child that once a decision has been made WE will talk about it with you.

Let your child deal with the conversation as they want to.

Be prepared for an emotional response and acknowledge that this is a very difficult time for everyone – equally, it may be that your child closes down and doesn’t want to talk to you about their emotional response then and there. That too is OK. Take your lead from the child.

It is normal for children to want their parents to be back together. They might engineer occasions when this happens, poor behaviour at school, the school calls both parents in to discuss, mystery illness etc. The sooner you can get to a good working co-parenting relationship so that your child knows that you are working together for them, the better.

If you are considering mediation, as part of the mediation process children aged 10 and over (and sometimes younger) are invited to speak to a specially trained family mediator, to discuss how they are feeling, if anything can be done better or what might be difficult for them. With the child’s permission, the mediator will feedback to the parents the messages that their child wanted the mediator to pass on. In our experience children enjoy these meetings; many say that they liked being given the chance to explain what is important to them.

Sheila Turner
Turner & Johnson Mediation

sheila@turnerjohnsonmediation.co.uk

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Author: Stowe Family Law

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Judge bemoans lack of legal aid in complex children cases

As I reported here on Friday, last week the Government published its long-awaited review of the effects of the legal aid cuts introduced in 2013. To deal with the problems identified in the review an additional £8 million of funding was announced. But that is little more than a sticking plaster to cover the gaping wound caused by cutting £350 million per year from the legal aid budget. The problems will continue.

Those problems were highlighted in a judgment published just one day after the review: the judgment of Mr Justice Williams in R (A Child: Appeal: Termination of Contact).

The judgment concerned an appeal by a father against orders made in child arrangements proceedings in relation to his 12 year old son. In particular, the father was appealing against an order that he have only indirect contact with his son.

The case was complicated. It had a long history, stretching back to 2013. It involved findings against both parties, including serious findings against the mother, the most serious of which was that she had alienated the child from his father, as a result of which the child had suffered and/or remained at risk of suffering from significant long-term emotional harm. It also involved the local authority, and expert evidence from a clinical psychologist. There had been five ring binders of evidence at the hearing from which the appeal was made. If all of that were not enough, the case had an added complication in that the mother is profoundly deaf, and had to be assisted at court by both a deaf intermediary and two British Sign Language interpreters.

The judge in the court below had ordered that the boy should live with the mother, and that he was only to have indirect contact with his father by means of the father sending letters cards or gifts by post once per month for six months, and thereafter fortnightly. The judge also ordered that the father could not make any further applications without the leave of the court.

The father appealed against these orders, to the High Court.

Neither the father nor the mother could afford legal representation at the hearing in the High Court. They were, however, both represented by barristers acting ‘pro bono’, i.e. without charge, which led Mr Justice Williams to say this:

“That counsel for the father and for the mother should appear pro bono in such a complex case as this is in the finest traditions of the legal profession. Up and down the country, counsel, solicitors and legal executives fill the gaping holes in the fabric of legal aid in private law cases because of their commitment to the delivery of justice.”

He went on:

“Without such public-spirited lawyers how would those such as the father and mother in this case navigate the process and present their cases? How judges manage to deliver justice to the parties and an appropriate judgment for the child without such assistance in cases like this begs the question. It is a blight on the current legal aid system that cases such as this do not attract public funding.”

And he concluded with a swipe at the stereotype so many people have of lawyers:

“So far removed from the stereotyped ‘fat-cat,’ the legal profession in cases such as this are more akin to Boxer in George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ always telling themselves “I will work harder.”

“It is a blight on the current legal aid system that cases such as this do not attract public funding.” So says a High Court judge. And yet nowhere amongst the measures set out by the government in its “new vision for legal support” published alongside the review is a commitment to provide legal aid for cases such as this.

And what happens if one or both of the parents is not lucky enough to secure free representation? It must happen. There is only so much that lawyers can do for free, and it is nowhere remotely near what used to be done under legal aid. The answer is that parents, and more importantly children, will not receive justice, as simple as that.

For the purpose of this post I need not go into the detail of Mr Justice Williams’ decision on the appeal, save to say that it was allowed. If you want all of the details you can read the full judgment here.

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Author: John Bolch