Year: 2019

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5 Quick Ways to Deal With the Confusion and Conflict Within You

If you are going through a transition, you’d know how it feels.

You may be confused, disorganized or even frustrated. You don’t know what’s what anymore and life doesn’t make sense.

It used to be logical and you used to know what to do. Now, it’s all up in the air. I know, because I’ve been there and in this article, I’ll give you five quick ways to deal with it.

Chaos

Before a new order can emerge, there’ll be chaos. Similarly, whenever you are about to have a breakthrough, you will experience confusion and chaos.

Confusion really is a prerequisite state in order for us to have breakthrough experiences. This means that whenever you feel confused, there is something happening within you.

It doesn’t always seem like that but once you get through to the other side, you will see that something has changed for the better. The same thing happens when you learn something new.

At first, you feel confused and it just doesn’t make sense. But when you return to the material a few days or weeks later, you suddenly understand more than you did before.

Acceptance

Do you feel like your whole life is crumbling away?

Again, this is just an external manifestation of point #1 above. Whenever you feel confused, accept whatever goes on within you. It may be hard in the beginning, because it’s scary to face your fears and other negative emotions.

Most people try to run away from them and you can probably guess where that leads. Just take a look around you and see how happy most people are (hint: they are miserable).

Look inside and breath into your emotions. Accept whatever is there and get curious about what kind of shape your feelings are, what kind of color, and how they move within your body. It sounds weird, but it works when you are willing to try it.

Release

The more you let go of the old, the easier your life will be. When you try to hold on, you suffer.

Letting go means being open to new ideas. Everything is constantly coming and going. The job you once had no longer exists but when the door closes, another one opens.

The problem is that most people stay and knock at the closed door for the rest of their life. Then, they wonder why no one is opening the door.

This doesn’t have to happen, because you can open your mind, release the old, and embrace the new. This is scary, because it is the unknown and we, as humans, tend to like what’s familiar. At some point, we will hold onto negative emotions and behaviors rather than let them go just because they are more familiar.

It’s a bit scary when you put it like that, isn’t it?

Get Help

If you want to speed up your progress, I recommend you work with someone. I’m not talking about a psychotherapist. I’m talking about something like a qualified NLP practitioner, a hypnotherapist, or even a good EFT practitioner.

The reason I make these statements is because in my life, the biggest changes have happened by using NLP and both myself and my clients. You can’t always see where you are stuck and that is where another fresh pair of eyes comes in.

The problem is that most people don’t like to ask for help, because it is viewed as a sign of weakness in today’s society. I used to think like this as well, but I didn’t start to really excel until I started opening up and getting feedback.

It might be something for you to consider, or not. It’s always up to you.

See Also: How Personal Counseling Helps Mental Health and Addiction

Cycle

This cycle will continually repeat itself, because that’s what cycles do. Just like a wave builds up and crashes and returns to the sea, so will your life have its ups and downs. The sooner you accept the fact, the better you will feel. You will go through confusion and clarity over and over again. It’s a part of life.

The bottom line is that most confusion and conflict is created within you. That means that you alone hold the keys to your salvation.This isn’t easy for most people to accept, which is why they might dismiss an article like this. In the end, only you can make a difference in your life. Will you?

Written by Henri Junttila, writer at Wake Up Cloud where he shares his personal tips on how you can live the life you know you deserve. When you feel ready to take action, get his free course: How to Find Your Passion (And Build a Business Around It).

The post 5 Quick Ways to Deal With the Confusion and Conflict Within You appeared first on Dumb Little Man.


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Author: Henri Junttila

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The 5 Most Common Obstacles That Keep You From Reaching Your Goals

Let’s take the example of starting an Internet business as our model to see how to overcome your obstacles. Here are 5 of the most common ones you may come across while seeking your goal:

Too much information

You’ve read the books, taken the teleclasses, and studied the websites. You’re on information overload, so you go into analysis paralysis which means you do nothing.

Solution: Pick one person to study and go with that model. One of the earliest Internet success stories was Corey Rudl and after he died, Derek Gehl took over. So, if I were building an Internet business, I would choose him as my role mode., I’d read his website, buy his products, and take his courses. 

No clear plan

Many people get lost after they decide to pursue a certain goal. Most goals are merely a progression from where you are to where you want to be. You need a clear plan from A to Z so that there’s no guesswork.

Solution: Derek Gehl, for example, has a 30-step action plan that can keep you on course. 

Shortage of time, money or other resources

We often are enthusiastic about achieving a certain goal, but fail to do our homework before embarking on the course.

Solution: Before you set out on your goal, figure out the amount of time you will need, the costs you will incur, and the resources you will need to obtain and use. For our particular goal of launching an internet business, these could include software for auto responders, shopping carts, eBooks, a copywriter to write your sales page, and at least 2 hours a day to learn the specifics of online marketing. 

Mindset and attitude

If you don’t have the mindset and attitude of a winner, you have less chance of succeeding.

Solution: Find successful online marketers and study them. Talk to them and listen to their language. Adopt the mindset of success by thinking and speaking positively. Adopt the attitude of success by seeing obstacles as opportunities and setbacks as feedback. 

Lack of support or guidance

You may hit some roadblocks and get stuck, not knowing what to do next. On any journey, support and guidance are essential. On a road trip, it’s your map or GPS system. For an online business, it’s experienced marketers.

Solution: Find a mentor, coach, teacher, friend or joint venture partner. It can be anyone who will hold your hand, guide you, support you until you reach your goal. Then, you can celebrate together!

Written by David B. Bohl, the author of Slow Down Fast.

See Also: How to Set Goals When You Have No Idea What You Want

The post The 5 Most Common Obstacles That Keep You From Reaching Your Goals appeared first on Dumb Little Man.


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Author: SJW

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Monolithic Concrete Domes

A dome structure in Genola,_Utah

Creating buildings out of thin air

Lately I’ve been fantasizing about my dream house, as well as musing on unconventional building designs. Perhaps I have hobbit blood; for me, the idea of a cozy and inviting dwelling is one without many right angles, giving it an organic, somewhat cavelike feel. Although I have always lived in buildings with conventional vertical walls, I picture a home in which each room is a different shape, with rounded corners, curved ceilings, and angled doors. In a concession to gravity, I’ll leave the floor flat and level for the most part. Without a doubt, at least one room must be completely circular—no matter how hard it is to buy furniture or hang artwork. And of course, my ideal home would be sturdy, secure, economical to build, and highly energy-efficient.

All these tastes would seem to make me an excellent candidate to own a monolithic concrete dome house. Like geodesic domes, this type of building encloses a large amount of area with a minimum of material and offers a distinctive, unconventional shape. Despite these similarities, the two types of dome building are very, very different when it comes to construction materials and techniques, not to mention some of the characteristics of the finished product.

A Dome Idea

The word “monolithic” in this sense simply means “in one piece”—not necessarily massive. As compared to geodesic domes constructed out of hundreds of triangular pieces of wood or metal, a monolithic concrete dome is a single, contiguous surface of reinforced concrete. What makes these domes particularly noteworthy is the modern method of building them.

In decades past, building a concrete dome meant creating a pile of dirt in the desired size and shape, pouring concrete over it, and then digging out the inside after the concrete had set. This was a long and labor-intensive process—and it required you to have a sufficient quantity of earth at your disposal as well as the means of moving (and removing) it. Thanks to a patented process invented in the late 1970s, monolithic concrete domes can be built in a matter of days without any heavy equipment at all. The secret is to build it from the outside in.

Inflated Benefits

The process begins with a fairly ordinary concrete foundation—typically in the shape of a ring. A heavy-duty, dome-shaped “balloon” known as an airform is affixed to the foundation and inflated by special fans. Using a spray pump, the builder applies a thick layer of polyurethane foam to the inside of this balloon; the foam provides insulation as well as a bit of structural support for the remainder of the building process. Next, the builder attaches a steel rebar framework to the inside of the foam, and finally applies a sprayable concrete mixture known as shotcrete. The shotcrete reaches a thickness of about 3 inches (8cm), embedding the rebar and forming a reinforced concrete shell. Then the fan is turned off and the interior and exterior of the dome are finished using conventional materials (such as stucco). The airform, by the way, remains permanently in place, serving as an extra moisture barrier on the outside of the dome.

Concrete domes are strong—highly resistant to damage by earthquake, hurricane, or wind (even tornadoes). Because concrete is not flammable, the shell itself is fireproof, and also invulnerable to termites and other pests. And since concrete is a good insulator, monolithic concrete domes are extremely energy-efficient. Although the materials used to build a concrete dome are expensive, you need relatively little of them, so the cost of a monolithic concrete dome is comparable to that of a wood frame building of similar size. Since the cost savings increase with the size of the building, concrete domes are becoming an increasingly popular choice for churches, gymnasiums, arenas, storage facilities, and even airplane hangars.

Concrete Examples

For all their benefits, though, concrete domes are by no means perfect. For instance, they tend to trap moisture inside, making a dehumidifier or air conditioner mandatory except in very dry climates. And of course they have the same problems all dome houses have. Their geometry does not work well in narrow urban lots. Furnishing, decorating, and cleaning a dome home can be challenging. You may have difficulty obtaining financing or insurance for such a nonstandard design. And you may have to contend with neighbors who are concerned about their own homes’ resale value with that alien spacecraft parked next door.

But a “dome” need not look that unusual after all. The airforms used to create monolithic concrete domes can be made in nearly any shape. Although you probably wouldn’t use them to make a cube, there’s no reason a building made in this fashion has to be a perfect dome either. A single custom-made airform can also be used to make a series of interconnected domes, and can include extensions, insets, cutouts, and augmentations—making it possible to integrate doorways, window frames, carports, or anything else you’d like into the shell of your building. Domes can even have multiple levels.

On that hypothetical future day when I can afford to build the home of my dreams, I may or may not choose a monolithic concrete dome. Pyramids have a lot going for them too, and then there’s always the classic elegance of a castle. I’ll cross that drawbridge when I get to it.

Note: This is an updated version of an article that originally appeared on Interesting Thing of the Day on August 3, 2004.

Image credit: Joe Tordiff [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons


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Author: Joe Kissell

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J.R.R. Tolkien Day

Bust of J.R.R. Tolkien at Oxford University

J.R.R. Tolkien—author of The Hobbit, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Silmarillion, and other less-famous works—was born on January 3, 1892. I barely know where to begin extolling the virtues of this literary genius, so I’ll simply say: happy 127th birthday! I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind readers (especially those from places that are not in the United Kingdom) that “Tolkien” is not pronounced like the word “token” with an added L, so please stop saying it that way. It’s /ˈtɒlkiːn/, thanks very much—the first vowel is the one in “body,” and the second is the one in “see.” I think we can all make the extra effort to produce the correct vowel sounds in his name, considering all he’s done for us!

Image credit: Julian Nitzsche [CC BY-SA 3.0], from Wikimedia Commons


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Author: Joe Kissell

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Questions to ask before moving forward with divorce

It is never easy to make the decision to move forward with divorce. For most Texas couples, the step comes after months or years of difficulty, discussions and disagreements. Even if you think you are ready to end your marriage, it can still be beneficial to carefully consider every aspect of your decision.

Divorce will impact every member of your family, your finances and virtually every aspect of your life. If you are not sure that this is the right course of action for you at this time, it is helpful to take the time to think about your options before you move forward. Ending a marriage is a major legal and financial decision, and it is not a choice that a person should take lightly.

Helpful questions as you consider your options 

Celebrity divorces that you may see on television or read about in the newspaper are often contentious and lengthy. You may see the headlines about these divorces and wonder if this is the right step for you. Celebrity divorces are often a poor example of what divorce is like for the average couple. In fact, you may be to finalize your divorce without going to court.

As you think about what is ahead for you, it may help to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What will the financial consequences of my divorce include?
  • How will my divorce impact the children?
  • Will my divorce destroy my sense of privacy? 

It is smart to also consider the emotional impact of divorce. While it can be a challenging process, it may be the right path for you to secure a stable and secure future. One way to make divorce easier is to prepare well for what is ahead, know your rights and keep the best interests of your children as the main priority.

Protecting your future starts now 

Divorce will affect your future in various ways, but it is possible to secure a final order that is reasonable and sustainable. Many people getting ready to divorce will find benefit in learning about what to expect from the process and how they can avoid complications as much as possible.

If this is the right choice for you, you do not have to walk through it alone. Before you begin, an assessment of your case and explanation of your options can be helpful. This allows you to make prudent choices and move forward with confidence.


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Author: On behalf of Katie L. Lewis of Katie L. Lewis, P.C. Family Law

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Stowe guests: Handling difficult emotions during and after divorce

The first episode of Stowe guests in 2019 sees us catch-up back again with Claire Black from Claire Black Divorce Coaching.

Going through a divorce and managing life after separation especially over Christmas and New Year can be extremely difficult. This time of year, we often find ourselves reflecting on the previous year and what the new one will bring us. Claire is on the blog today to offer her seven tips for how to handle difficult emotions during and after divorce.

I understand that the emotions you experience during a break up can be overwhelming.  I know that during my divorce, I found the roller coaster of emotions exhausting, and small things could easily tip me over the edge. I found my emotions confusing, as they seemed to shift every day, every hour, even minute by minute.

Sometimes I felt afraid, sometimes angry, resentful, lonely, overwhelmed, disappointed, regretful, hurt, shocked, worried, relieved, guilty. The feelings were intense and sometimes contradictory, so it’s no wonder I was confused.

Although there is no “quick fix”, here are 7 ways to help yourself dial down your negative emotions.

Avoid destructive patterns

Some people deal (or rather don’t deal) with the difficult emotions that they feel by stuffing them down, or through drugs or partying and drinking more than normal, or by working long hours, in the hope that the emotions will go away on their own. Others try to blame someone else for their feelings. Sadly, none of these approaches will work long term, and they can become destructive patterns, meaning that you never actually deal with the emotions that you are feeling.

Give yourself permission to feel

Let’s get away from thinking of those emotions as “negative”, implying that they are somehow bad. Your emotions are messengers from your body, letting you know when something is wrong, or hurting, or needs to be examined. Feeling those emotions is part of the process towards healing and recovery. If you don’t feel them, they stay stuck inside and can have a detrimental effect on your health, your stress levels and your ability to heal. So be kind to yourself, listen to your body. Remind yourself that it is OK and normal to cry.

Take each day as it comes and leave each day behind each night. If you’ve had a difficult day, put it behind you – tomorrow is a new day.

Acknowledge your feelings

Notice and name your feelings as they come and go. Simply identifying your feelings will start to diminish their hold over you. Writing down all your negative emotions, fears, worries, concerns and stresses in a journal, or on a big piece of paper may also help as it gets the feelings out of your head and onto paper.

“Journaling is like whispering to oneself and listening at the same time”, Mina Murray, Dracula

Use your physiology to help you

The mind and body are connected, so how you carry your body will affect how you feel. Try this exercise and see what happens.

First, stand or sit as you would when you feel sad or lonely, and notice how your posture makes you feel. Ask yourself how you would like to feel instead: Confident? Strong? Empowered? Happy? Then ask yourself how you would sit or stand differently if you were feeling that positive emotion. Now practice standing in that way. Notice that by changing your body posture, it is possible to feel differently.

Do this when you walk too – look up, take in the horizon rather than looking at the ground, and notice how it influences how you feel.

Shift your focus

Don’t just focus on noticing the difficult emotions – look for times when you feel positive emotions too. What makes you smile or laugh? Smiling and laughing makes your body produce endorphins, the body’s feel-good hormones, so actively seek to do things that you enjoy, and which make you smile. Watch a movie you love, listen to music that uplifts you, sing loudly, take your children out to run on the beach or in the woods, cuddle your pet – whatever works for you.

What you think about and focus on will influence your actions and results. Don’t focus on your ex and his/her new partner, and don’t follow them on social media as this will feed the negative feelings you may have.

Instead, shift your focus on to YOU – what do you enjoy? What do you like to do? Shift your focus from your ex and put your energy into you.

Ask empowering questions and “flip it”

Ask yourself questions that will help to shift your focus by flipping the situation on its head.  Ask questions like:

  • If there was one good thing about this, what would it be?
  • What am I grateful for right now?
  • What can I do now that I couldn’t do before?

Your answers might be as simple as being able to eat fish fingers for tea (or cook with ginger in my case!), or it might be that you can start planning that holiday that you always dreamt of, but that your ex refused to contemplate. Or perhaps you have learnt that you have some amazing friends and family who have really got your back.

Tell your story differently

How do you tell your story?  Do you see yourself as a victim of your divorce?  Do you tell your sad story over and over again?

If this is you, then every time you tell the story, you reopen the wounds. Even eleven years on, if I try hard enough I can tell my story in a way that makes me feel sad. You have a choice about how you tell your story, so choose instead to talk about your story in a different way, so that it empowers you and makes you feel strong. What have you learnt? What are you proud of yourself for achieving? Have you done anything new? I remember the first time I mowed the lawn after my ex-husband left. I had been putting it off for weeks, but finally managed it and I felt really proud! To put this into context, this wasn’t a small patch of grass, but a 100 ft stretch of not-very-well-looked-after grass, on a slope – mowing it was no easy feat.

As I always say to clients, it isn’t what happens to you that matters – it’s what you do with what happens to you. These are some of the techniques I used myself when I was getting divorced, so I can vouch that they really do work.

Get in touch

Claire is one of the UK’s first accredited specialist Divorce Coaches, a former lawyer, and Advanced NLP Practitioner. She is based in the Bristol area.

You can get in touch with Claire at www.claireblackcoaching.com or call 07722 007528

The post Stowe guests: Handling difficult emotions during and after divorce appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Stowe Family Law

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It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not

My three top tips for getting through your Divorce Day (and beyond)

Every year at this time family lawyers debate over whether there is, or isn’t, such a thing as ‘Divorce Day’, the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers, when more people seek a divorce than on any other day. Of course, the debate is academic: if you are seeking a divorce today, then today is Divorce Day for you.

In case there are any readers who have not heard of ‘Divorce Day’ (where have you been?), I suppose I should explain it in a little more detail.

The popular media will tell you that today (or possibly next Monday, the first day of the first full working week of the year) is the day when family lawyers receive more new divorce instructions than on any other day of the year. The idea is that the Christmas break was the final straw for many marriages, with spouses realising, after being forced to spend a less than happy holiday with their other half, that it is time to untie the knot, and make a fresh start in the New Year.

And it is not just the media. Many family lawyers will swear that Divorce Day is a real thing. Many others, however, will be equally adamant that it is nothing more than a media invention, useful for filling a few column inches, or a few minutes of a news programme, in an otherwise quiet news week. The first week in January, they say, does not come with a particular spike in new divorce instructions. They also, I’m sure, feel that the whole idea of ‘Divorce Day’ is somewhat tasteless.

Every year at this time I see family lawyers on social media arguing for one side or the other. I used to partake in the argument itself, but these days I don’t really feel qualified to do so, not having practised now for some nine years, and therefore not being able to comment by reference to my own recent experience.

But if you are one of those who has decided now is the moment to call time on your marriage then it doesn’t matter whether Divorce Day is a real thing or not. This is your Divorce Day, and you are going to have to deal with it.

Of course, divorce is about much more than just initiating the process, scary though that may be. Your Divorce Day is just the beginning.

A lawyer can’t tell you whether or not you should commence divorce proceedings, but they can give you advice to help you get through the process. To strip things down to the bare essentials, here are my top three tips for getting through your Divorce Day, and beyond:

  1. If you have dependent children, put them first. This really is the most important thing to remember, at all stages of the divorce process. It doesn’t just mean sorting out arrangements for who the children will live with, or for how much child support the other parent will pay, it also means considering the effect upon the children of your actions throughout the process. Long and highly contested financial remedy proceedings, for example, could have a damaging effect upon children witnessing their parents warring with one another.

And when it comes to arrangements for the children, always ask yourself: is this really best for them, or is it just best for me? Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that just because they want a particular arrangement, that must be best for their children.

  1. Get the best advice you can, and follow it. By all means accept the support of friends and family, but don’t accept ‘legal advice’ from them, however well-meaning it might be. Many is the time that family lawyers have to explain the folly of advice received ‘in the pub’. If you can afford it, instruct a good family lawyer. Even if you can’t afford to have them represent you throughout the process, get some initial advice if you possibly can.

And follow the advice. Obviously, it is pointless paying for advice and then not following it. I’m not saying that you have to do everything your lawyer advises, but there are many clients who think they know best and simply refuse to listen to any advice that is contrary to what they have already decided should happen. Needless to say, that is a recipe for disaster.

  1. Lastly, make every reasonable effort to remain amicable, and to settle matters by agreement. I know that staying amicable can be easier said than done, but it really does help, especially if there are children. Remember, parents will still have to deal with each other. You don’t have to remain friends with your former spouse, just on reasonable speaking terms.

And if you do, then it will be so much more likely that you will be able to resolve matters by agreement, rather than having to go through long, costly, and possibly destructive contested court proceedings.

And you should try to settle. Apart from anything else, any party who does not make a reasonable effort to resolve matters by agreement, whether by negotiation, mediation or some other means, will be frowned upon by the court. But it is about more than that, and more than just avoiding contested court proceedings. You are likely to be far happier with a settlement reached by agreement than with one imposed upon you by the court.

If it is Divorce Day for you then I hope these basic tips will help you get through it, and the process that it begins.

The post It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: John Bolch