Month: January 2019

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Questions to ask before moving forward with divorce

It is never easy to make the decision to move forward with divorce. For most Texas couples, the step comes after months or years of difficulty, discussions and disagreements. Even if you think you are ready to end your marriage, it can still be beneficial to carefully consider every aspect of your decision.

Divorce will impact every member of your family, your finances and virtually every aspect of your life. If you are not sure that this is the right course of action for you at this time, it is helpful to take the time to think about your options before you move forward. Ending a marriage is a major legal and financial decision, and it is not a choice that a person should take lightly.

Helpful questions as you consider your options 

Celebrity divorces that you may see on television or read about in the newspaper are often contentious and lengthy. You may see the headlines about these divorces and wonder if this is the right step for you. Celebrity divorces are often a poor example of what divorce is like for the average couple. In fact, you may be to finalize your divorce without going to court.

As you think about what is ahead for you, it may help to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What will the financial consequences of my divorce include?
  • How will my divorce impact the children?
  • Will my divorce destroy my sense of privacy? 

It is smart to also consider the emotional impact of divorce. While it can be a challenging process, it may be the right path for you to secure a stable and secure future. One way to make divorce easier is to prepare well for what is ahead, know your rights and keep the best interests of your children as the main priority.

Protecting your future starts now 

Divorce will affect your future in various ways, but it is possible to secure a final order that is reasonable and sustainable. Many people getting ready to divorce will find benefit in learning about what to expect from the process and how they can avoid complications as much as possible.

If this is the right choice for you, you do not have to walk through it alone. Before you begin, an assessment of your case and explanation of your options can be helpful. This allows you to make prudent choices and move forward with confidence.


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Author: On behalf of Katie L. Lewis of Katie L. Lewis, P.C. Family Law

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Stowe guests: Handling difficult emotions during and after divorce

The first episode of Stowe guests in 2019 sees us catch-up back again with Claire Black from Claire Black Divorce Coaching.

Going through a divorce and managing life after separation especially over Christmas and New Year can be extremely difficult. This time of year, we often find ourselves reflecting on the previous year and what the new one will bring us. Claire is on the blog today to offer her seven tips for how to handle difficult emotions during and after divorce.

I understand that the emotions you experience during a break up can be overwhelming.  I know that during my divorce, I found the roller coaster of emotions exhausting, and small things could easily tip me over the edge. I found my emotions confusing, as they seemed to shift every day, every hour, even minute by minute.

Sometimes I felt afraid, sometimes angry, resentful, lonely, overwhelmed, disappointed, regretful, hurt, shocked, worried, relieved, guilty. The feelings were intense and sometimes contradictory, so it’s no wonder I was confused.

Although there is no “quick fix”, here are 7 ways to help yourself dial down your negative emotions.

Avoid destructive patterns

Some people deal (or rather don’t deal) with the difficult emotions that they feel by stuffing them down, or through drugs or partying and drinking more than normal, or by working long hours, in the hope that the emotions will go away on their own. Others try to blame someone else for their feelings. Sadly, none of these approaches will work long term, and they can become destructive patterns, meaning that you never actually deal with the emotions that you are feeling.

Give yourself permission to feel

Let’s get away from thinking of those emotions as “negative”, implying that they are somehow bad. Your emotions are messengers from your body, letting you know when something is wrong, or hurting, or needs to be examined. Feeling those emotions is part of the process towards healing and recovery. If you don’t feel them, they stay stuck inside and can have a detrimental effect on your health, your stress levels and your ability to heal. So be kind to yourself, listen to your body. Remind yourself that it is OK and normal to cry.

Take each day as it comes and leave each day behind each night. If you’ve had a difficult day, put it behind you – tomorrow is a new day.

Acknowledge your feelings

Notice and name your feelings as they come and go. Simply identifying your feelings will start to diminish their hold over you. Writing down all your negative emotions, fears, worries, concerns and stresses in a journal, or on a big piece of paper may also help as it gets the feelings out of your head and onto paper.

“Journaling is like whispering to oneself and listening at the same time”, Mina Murray, Dracula

Use your physiology to help you

The mind and body are connected, so how you carry your body will affect how you feel. Try this exercise and see what happens.

First, stand or sit as you would when you feel sad or lonely, and notice how your posture makes you feel. Ask yourself how you would like to feel instead: Confident? Strong? Empowered? Happy? Then ask yourself how you would sit or stand differently if you were feeling that positive emotion. Now practice standing in that way. Notice that by changing your body posture, it is possible to feel differently.

Do this when you walk too – look up, take in the horizon rather than looking at the ground, and notice how it influences how you feel.

Shift your focus

Don’t just focus on noticing the difficult emotions – look for times when you feel positive emotions too. What makes you smile or laugh? Smiling and laughing makes your body produce endorphins, the body’s feel-good hormones, so actively seek to do things that you enjoy, and which make you smile. Watch a movie you love, listen to music that uplifts you, sing loudly, take your children out to run on the beach or in the woods, cuddle your pet – whatever works for you.

What you think about and focus on will influence your actions and results. Don’t focus on your ex and his/her new partner, and don’t follow them on social media as this will feed the negative feelings you may have.

Instead, shift your focus on to YOU – what do you enjoy? What do you like to do? Shift your focus from your ex and put your energy into you.

Ask empowering questions and “flip it”

Ask yourself questions that will help to shift your focus by flipping the situation on its head.  Ask questions like:

  • If there was one good thing about this, what would it be?
  • What am I grateful for right now?
  • What can I do now that I couldn’t do before?

Your answers might be as simple as being able to eat fish fingers for tea (or cook with ginger in my case!), or it might be that you can start planning that holiday that you always dreamt of, but that your ex refused to contemplate. Or perhaps you have learnt that you have some amazing friends and family who have really got your back.

Tell your story differently

How do you tell your story?  Do you see yourself as a victim of your divorce?  Do you tell your sad story over and over again?

If this is you, then every time you tell the story, you reopen the wounds. Even eleven years on, if I try hard enough I can tell my story in a way that makes me feel sad. You have a choice about how you tell your story, so choose instead to talk about your story in a different way, so that it empowers you and makes you feel strong. What have you learnt? What are you proud of yourself for achieving? Have you done anything new? I remember the first time I mowed the lawn after my ex-husband left. I had been putting it off for weeks, but finally managed it and I felt really proud! To put this into context, this wasn’t a small patch of grass, but a 100 ft stretch of not-very-well-looked-after grass, on a slope – mowing it was no easy feat.

As I always say to clients, it isn’t what happens to you that matters – it’s what you do with what happens to you. These are some of the techniques I used myself when I was getting divorced, so I can vouch that they really do work.

Get in touch

Claire is one of the UK’s first accredited specialist Divorce Coaches, a former lawyer, and Advanced NLP Practitioner. She is based in the Bristol area.

You can get in touch with Claire at www.claireblackcoaching.com or call 07722 007528

The post Stowe guests: Handling difficult emotions during and after divorce appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Stowe Family Law

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It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not

My three top tips for getting through your Divorce Day (and beyond)

Every year at this time family lawyers debate over whether there is, or isn’t, such a thing as ‘Divorce Day’, the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers, when more people seek a divorce than on any other day. Of course, the debate is academic: if you are seeking a divorce today, then today is Divorce Day for you.

In case there are any readers who have not heard of ‘Divorce Day’ (where have you been?), I suppose I should explain it in a little more detail.

The popular media will tell you that today (or possibly next Monday, the first day of the first full working week of the year) is the day when family lawyers receive more new divorce instructions than on any other day of the year. The idea is that the Christmas break was the final straw for many marriages, with spouses realising, after being forced to spend a less than happy holiday with their other half, that it is time to untie the knot, and make a fresh start in the New Year.

And it is not just the media. Many family lawyers will swear that Divorce Day is a real thing. Many others, however, will be equally adamant that it is nothing more than a media invention, useful for filling a few column inches, or a few minutes of a news programme, in an otherwise quiet news week. The first week in January, they say, does not come with a particular spike in new divorce instructions. They also, I’m sure, feel that the whole idea of ‘Divorce Day’ is somewhat tasteless.

Every year at this time I see family lawyers on social media arguing for one side or the other. I used to partake in the argument itself, but these days I don’t really feel qualified to do so, not having practised now for some nine years, and therefore not being able to comment by reference to my own recent experience.

But if you are one of those who has decided now is the moment to call time on your marriage then it doesn’t matter whether Divorce Day is a real thing or not. This is your Divorce Day, and you are going to have to deal with it.

Of course, divorce is about much more than just initiating the process, scary though that may be. Your Divorce Day is just the beginning.

A lawyer can’t tell you whether or not you should commence divorce proceedings, but they can give you advice to help you get through the process. To strip things down to the bare essentials, here are my top three tips for getting through your Divorce Day, and beyond:

  1. If you have dependent children, put them first. This really is the most important thing to remember, at all stages of the divorce process. It doesn’t just mean sorting out arrangements for who the children will live with, or for how much child support the other parent will pay, it also means considering the effect upon the children of your actions throughout the process. Long and highly contested financial remedy proceedings, for example, could have a damaging effect upon children witnessing their parents warring with one another.

And when it comes to arrangements for the children, always ask yourself: is this really best for them, or is it just best for me? Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that just because they want a particular arrangement, that must be best for their children.

  1. Get the best advice you can, and follow it. By all means accept the support of friends and family, but don’t accept ‘legal advice’ from them, however well-meaning it might be. Many is the time that family lawyers have to explain the folly of advice received ‘in the pub’. If you can afford it, instruct a good family lawyer. Even if you can’t afford to have them represent you throughout the process, get some initial advice if you possibly can.

And follow the advice. Obviously, it is pointless paying for advice and then not following it. I’m not saying that you have to do everything your lawyer advises, but there are many clients who think they know best and simply refuse to listen to any advice that is contrary to what they have already decided should happen. Needless to say, that is a recipe for disaster.

  1. Lastly, make every reasonable effort to remain amicable, and to settle matters by agreement. I know that staying amicable can be easier said than done, but it really does help, especially if there are children. Remember, parents will still have to deal with each other. You don’t have to remain friends with your former spouse, just on reasonable speaking terms.

And if you do, then it will be so much more likely that you will be able to resolve matters by agreement, rather than having to go through long, costly, and possibly destructive contested court proceedings.

And you should try to settle. Apart from anything else, any party who does not make a reasonable effort to resolve matters by agreement, whether by negotiation, mediation or some other means, will be frowned upon by the court. But it is about more than that, and more than just avoiding contested court proceedings. You are likely to be far happier with a settlement reached by agreement than with one imposed upon you by the court.

If it is Divorce Day for you then I hope these basic tips will help you get through it, and the process that it begins.

The post It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: John Bolch